4-30-11

The Greatest Gift is a Father's Wisdom...

The picture is of a study guide for the Book of James. It's lost it's cover and it's split into two pieces. The page corners are ruffled or bent in many places. Normally when a book gets this battered, it's time to buy a new one or throw the old one away. Not this one.

I haven't gone in depth with what I've been going through. I can only sum it up as feeling lost. I have felt tossed about emotionally and spiritually and it's been noticeable. I've made some boneheaded mistakes in the past few months. Mistakes that If I were thinking straight would never have happened.

As of late I have been thinking or saying under my breath, "I wish my dad was here."

He always knew what to say. He wasn't big on words but when he spoke he made a profound point. I miss his guidance.

This week my buddy Jake thought it would be a good idea for our Life Group to study scripture instead of sermon questions from the bulletin. The topic chosen was James Chapter 1. I immediately thought about that ripped up study guide in my library. I've kept it in my library for years. I never thought to look at it until this week.

I'm glad I did.

The James study guide was my dad's. My dad used to teach bible study at the church I grew up in. One of his favorite book studies was James. He used that book so much it started falling apart. We moved around a lot after graduation, but I made sure to keep certain books that my dad enjoyed readily accessible.

I went to my library and I pulled the book out. I started flipping through the tattered pages. Finally I started reading. What I found gave me such tremendous joy.

I have struggled with control and my emotions so much lately. The book of James is a great place to go. Dealing with double-mindedness, joy in trials, practical personal conduct and dealing with prosperity. The greatest thing about this study guide is it has my father's notes.

I have my father's notes.

I immediately felt a connection reading this study guide. Without knowing it, my dad left me a great gift. He left me his teaching on a subject that I really need to understand right now.

It will be five years next month. Five years since my Mom and Dad left this earth. For them the next time they see me it will feel like a brief moment, but for me every day is one more day I feel them gone. It's a loss we all feel when we lose loved ones. Knowing we will see each other again eases the pain, but when you miss someone you miss someone.

This week I was blessed to feel a connection. Though a ruffled old study guide I got to connect with my dad.

And just like when he was here, he knew exactly what to say.

4-24-11

Tearing it up...

It got up to 80 degrees today. I took full advantage of the weather. For folks that know me well I'm sure you can probably guess what I did.

Yup! Headed for the track.

The weather has been awful to run in. It's been mid-high 40's with rain for weeks. I've noticed in my old age that I can't run in that kind of weather anymore. Things tighten up and and creek more. I need warm weather to stay loose and cut loose.

I wanted to run at Amherst but they were having Comet Relays. I would have loved to watch but I was on a mission. So I drove out to Lake Ridge Academy and ran on their track. I hadn't been out there in years. The track has fallen on hard times but it's still bouncy and easy on the legs.

I ran some 200's. They felt pretty good. I have been running on a treadmill for too long. It was nice to gauge where I'm at. I need to sprint outside more. That's what I learned today.

I ran till I puked. Then I got light headed and blacked out. When I came to I drank some water and headed home. Is that natural? Probably not. But I don't care.

Had a great dinner with some friends later in the day. Then a Dr. Who party in the evening. It was the first episode of the new season.

Now it's off to sleep. Church in the morning.

4-13-11

Heading back to college...

I've blogged about getting back to school to finish my degree before. I have tried different scenarios and talked to way too many people about finishing my Poli Sci degree. After almost a year I have decided that my only option to finish it is to take online courses through Fairmont State.

This summer they offer the Management class I need. In the fall they have the English class. I do have one option to see if LCCC's statistics and public administration courses transfer. If that's the case then I'll try to knock them all off this fall.

It's a long shot. I think I'll probably wind up taking the bulk in the fall and maybe one class in the spring. Which means I can graduate within a year. I can live with that. I filled out the FAFSA so the nice thing is that I will be going to school for free. :-)

Well, I have a bunch of phone calls to make tomorrow.

Wish me luck!

4-7-11

Creativity...

I need people. I need people to bounce off ideas and share. I love it when I can talk to someone and they share their creative process or inspiration.

I noticed early in my college career that I get better grades when I study with a group. I made it a point to start study groups. I love the give and take. I love the interaction. I would take a test and I remembered answers because of certain conversations or events from the study group.

I loved studying at PTI. I miss my friends from there. We spent a lot of time together talking about design and just shop in general. I'm more a code guy. Design isn't my strong suit. I get more from interaction than I do a book. I loved going to art shows in Pittsburgh. It is the home of Andy Warhol you know!

I need to find creative people to be around. Sitting home looking at design tutorials online doesn't cut it.

4-5-11

It's been a while...

If you're one of those folks who reads my blog and saw that I had it password protected, well I apologize. I shut my blog off for a while. I wasn't in the mood to really share or write.

The holidays didn't go too well for me. If I think about it I started to feel a bit off somewhere around October. To make a long story short, by February I was a total wreck.

It's been a long five years. Every day has been a struggle to move forward. I knew this would all catch up to me someday. It finally did.

I can sum up the last few months in two examples:

I was talking to a friend and I shared that I felt like a tired old warrior who lost more battles than he won. A warrior who has no fight left and just wants to go home.

The second analogy is how I feel when dealing with people around me. I feel like an abused dog who got adopted by a loving family. It's been a while since the dog has been treated well, so the dog bites and snaps back at the people who want to care for him.

Yeah. This was stuff I didn't really want to blog about.

As of now I am working from home and getting some well needed rest. I sleep a lot. Not because I'm depressed, but because I'm that exhausted.

I'm happy to say that I'm nowhere near depressed. I'm calm.

I spend my time getting back into touch with parts of me that I forgot existed. Did you know I used to draw. Did you know I used to paint?

I've been going through boxes and sorting my family's things. Every box that I open is a reminder that I was loved and my parents would be heartbroken to see me in the temperament I was in the past few months. It's comforting and it gives me strength.

I'm seeing a counselor. It's been a long time coming. Thankfully this is a person who can handle what I'm dealing with. Our sessions are productive to say the least.

The greatest part of rest is that I have time to dig into the word of God. I have been reacquainting myself with the bible. I've read it from cover to cover many times but I haven't focused on just reading since before the shooting. I normally do topical studies. I have been reading and let the Holy Spirit reveal to me what I'm supposed to know.

When I do this two things happen. The first reaction is I get upset. See, I know better. I have read these books countless times. I get upset because I have to be reminded. The second reaction is humility and joy. Sometimes I get emotional. I'm being shown things. In 2 Corinthians Chapter 4:8 it says

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed."

This verse has given this tired warrior strength.

I feel like blogging again. I am at a place where I want to share what I'm feeling and going through.

It's good to be back.